Romans 12:9-21

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.  If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

When a troubled relationship develops, we can learn to work through it and take responsibility for our reactions by applying the biblical principles discussed in Part One of this series.

What If the Issue Is Deeper?

A deeper, more challenging relationship might have drama from the past, and many difficult, even awful years. Often, both people have said and done things that have hurt the other person. We’ll see in Romans 12:14-21 how to deal with relationships when they become more difficult, when it moves from simple dislikes or disagreements to actively hurting each other.

Romans 12:14-16 continues in a list of action for us to Behave like a Christian, even when the relationship starts to become more difficult. Let’s take them one by one.

• Bless those who persecute– The word “bless” here is eulogy—a celebration of praise for those who pursue or threaten you in a hostile manner. This is a difficult task, as it goes beyond a disagreement and into an extreme dislike towards the person. They are actively seeking to hurt you, but even then your response should reflect that of Christ. Be willing to find positive things to say and focus on, regardless of your emotions. Strive to hold onto what aligns with the Word of God.
• Weep with those who weep– Empathy is the ability to feel and understand another person’s emotions, taking on their pain and sharing their feelings.
• Be of the same mind toward one another– Having an understanding for each other by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings. When striving for unity, it involves avoiding favouritism toward those you prefer.
• Do not set your mind on high things but associate with the humble – Don’t be seeking to increase your social status or climb the friend ladder. Look for the people that need a friend and be a friend to them. Perhaps this applies to people that aren’t like us. Are they below us? No! They are just different than us.
• Don’t be wise in your own opinion– If we put ourselves in their shoes, we would understand their point of view.
• Repay no one evil for evil– Matthew 5:38-45 states Love your enemies and treat well those who hurt you. This is tough! We often want to get back at people and make them feel the pain they inflicted on us. However, the problem is that our gauge is broken, and We can even take it further and want them to experience MORE pain than they caused us.

None of these actions are easy.

Leave It in God’s Hands

Don’t avenge yourselves but rather give place to wrath. Romans 12:17

When we look at the relationship David had with Saul, we can see why God called David a man after God’s own heart because those who trust in God will not feel the need to seek revenge. Instead, they will leave the matter of vengeance to God, allowing God’s wrath to take its course without allowing their own anger to consume them. In 1 Samuel 24:5-7 and 1 Samuel 26:9-11, David trusts God to handle the situation. He demonstrates this by the conviction he felt when he cut off a piece of Saul’s robe.

Pray honestly about your emotions and pain.

Sometimes, the truth is in the middle. We have a filter that changes or prevents us from seeing what others have said or done. Be big enough to ask yourself the hard questions and ask others for their opinion of the situation. Don’t do it with the heart of gossip, but through prayer seek out wise counsel.

Remember, we are not as impressive as we think we are. Our sin hinders our judgment, and sometimes we get things wrong. Be gracious to people who make mistakes. Try to understand their perspective and consider the hurt they’ve experienced. Sometimes, when we receive criticism or hurt from another it can be a blessing, a humbling tool in the hands of our Father helping us to become more like Jesus!

“Get a friend to tell you your faults, or better still, welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man, what an intolerable nuisance to a fool!” – Charles Spurgeon

The Key to Handling Conflict

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men- Romans 12:18

To keep it simple, the key to handling conflict is that we overlook the offence. We find common ground as believers, talk to the person, or confront them regarding the wrong they did, and perhaps we will need to put a bit of distance in place for a season. We must do our best, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to love people, to put the Word of God first, and apply its wisdom to our lives. We also need to remember that it’s not our fault if the other person doesn’t receive our love. We need to realize that there are relationships within God’s family where it may not be possible to have peace; consider David and Saul’s relationship.

In 1 Samuel 17, David rejects Saul’s armour and that became the first disagreement between them. In 1 Samuel 18:8, 11, and 28-29, Saul becomes jealous of David’s popularity, as the people sang of Saul slaying thousands while David slayed ten thousands. Saul throws a spear at David intending to kill him. However, David realizes it’s time to leave and put some space in the relationship. David’s example demonstrates his ability to keep the peace, even when given the opportunity to retaliate and kill Saul.

We make peace; we don’t stumble on to it. We cultivate it. I love that word cultivate! You need to do the work; it requires effort on our part. And it takes time. We can’t control what someone else does or how they feel; we can only control our response. If they don’t want to live at peace, are we at fault? No! Consider Saul. He did not want to live at peace with David.

Do Not Be Overcome

When we take biblical actions in our relationships, the feelings will follow. Jesus is our example. He even washed the feet of Judas. In Matthew 18, Jesus teaches us to be doers of the Word, not just hearers. So, what does the end of Romans 12 mean when Paul quotes from Proverbs 25:21-22?

If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing, you will heap coals of fire on his head. Proverbs 25:21-22

At first glance, you might think these actions are meant to make people feel ashamed so they will repent. However, in the Old Testament, burning coals consistently symbolize punishment. What we see here is the repetition of an idea from Romans 12:1—Christians are called to do good to those who wrong them while leaving judgment in God’s hands.

This doesn’t mean we will like or respect everyone but recognizing that people are made in God’s image helps us see their hearts—and reminds us that we are made in His image too. Even among the 12 disciples, there were a lot of different personalities, yet Jesus loved them all.

This is hard.

The important thing is we behave like Christians. And remember, we aren’t called to put ourselves in danger by trusting someone who is unworthy. Jesus Himself slipped away from the crowds because He knew their hearts and needed to protect Himself. But we are called to trust Christ and pursue wisdom and holiness through prayer, the Word, and by relying on the Holy Spirit. In so doing, we will develop a godly love for others; a love that sacrifices itself by seeking the best for others. This kind of love doesn’t come naturally but it is something God wants to produce in our lives, for His glory

Compiled from a sermon given by Pastor Dan Kowalczyk with editorial help from Kelly Martin. You can listen to the sermon audio here.