When Unity Is Hard (Part One)

Romans 12:9-21

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.  If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

When People Get Under Our Skin (Yes! Even in Church)

Sometimes, differences of opinion can lead to disagreements that escalate into arguments. For example, a conversation can easily turn into a disagreement. Let’s be honest, disagreements and annoyances happen everywhere, including in the church.

Maybe it’s something small like:

• They’re obsessed with board games… and you can’t stand board games.
• They talk nonstop about sports… and you’d rather watch paint dry.
• They love online gaming… and you just don’t get the hype.

Or maybe it’s something deeper:

• You heard through the grapevine that they said something unkind about you.
• They hurt someone you care about.
• They rejected you or did something that genuinely hurt.

Every one of us has faced the tension, which is a normal part of human relationships, but it can escalate into something ugly if we don’t handle it well. When we’re standing in that uncomfortable space of being frustrated, annoyed, or hurt, the big question becomes What will we do with it? Handling conflict God’s way takes maturity, intention, and a lot of grace.

How Do We Handle It When These Moments Come?

I love the heading at the start of Romans 12:9–21 in many Bibles. Now, these headings aren’t inspired by God, translators have added them, but I think this one is written perfectly and sums up how we should respond in times of conflict. The heading is: “Behave Like a Christian.” So how does this heading help us when it comes to dealing with people in the church who we struggle with, or even disagree with?

We behave and act like a Christian.

We do what the Word of God tells us is right.

We look at the life of Jesus and act the way He acted and the way He told us to act.

Throughout Scripture, the Bible has a lot to say about how Christians are supposed to live including acting and reacting to people and circumstances. Sometimes, these instructions can be difficult to follow and may not come naturally.

Perhaps you’ve read Romans 12 and thought, “There’s no way I’m doing that.” It may seem unfair, like we’re being a doormat, or like the other person is winning if we follow the Bible’s advice. We often find ourselves giving in and letting the other person have their way. If we let disagreement and dislike escalate, we won’t feel like doing good to the other person and we won’t feel like loving them. And while just going with our feelings can seem right in the moment, it usually ends up in a mess.

Thankfully, the Bible provides Christians with guidance on how to handle these situations. It’s our choice whether to follow its instructions, including when it’s challenging to do so, but the good news is that doing so ultimately leads to a better outcome.

Most of this section in Romans 12 gives us bullet-point instructions, actions, and reactions we should have regardless of how others have treated us. When you read instructions like this in the Bible, it’s helpful to look in the mirror and ask the question, “Search me, O God, and show me where I need to change.” Then make it your mission to work on it.

Paul covers many actions in this passage, and it’s important to take note of the progression. First, he discusses general acts of love we should express to everyone, which includes dealing with mild disagreements or general dislike. Then, he takes it up a level and addresses how we deal with someone who has truly hurt us, someone we really don’t like, maybe even hate.

And this is where it gets difficult.

Begin With Love

Paul begins verse 9 with love, and this is no coincidence. Love is the foundation of everything else listed in this passage. If we start with love and apply what true love means to our relationships, it will profoundly shape our lives. Every action that follows naturally grows from it. But what does the word “love” mean in the context of Romans 12:9?

The Greek word for love used here is agape- a sacrificial kind of love.

Biblical agape love is a selfless, intentional choice to serve others which is not based on emotions or attraction. One biblical commentary put it this way, “Agape may involve emotion, but it must always involve action.” It’s not about how you feel- it’s about a choice you make, a decision to love someone who doesn’t love you, to love someone with whom you have a disagreement.

Real love is tested when we’re annoyed or when we’ve had a disagreement or a fight, for in these moments we’re not going to feel like loving the other person. We’re not going to feel like blessing them. That’s why true agape love, the love we are called to, is always a choice.

This passage in Romans emphasizes the importance of love being genuine and without hypocrisy. Hypocrisy occurs when someone hides something internally while outwardly they appear to be doing something different. This is being fake and not truthful. Sometimes when we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our love for others can wear a mask.

How does love wear a mask?

• Manipulation: Using pleasant words with a goal of having the other person behave or do something in return. Love is wearing a mask.
• Control: Showing love and affection if the person is doing what we want them to do, but as soon as they don’t do what we want, we make sure they understand where they went wrong. Love is wearing a mask.
• Strings attached: Pouring out kindness only if the other person does something for you. Love is wearing a mask.

Love WITH hypocrisy is not love at all. It’s selfishness and that is not biblical love.

While at times the dislike or disagreement we feel toward others can be petty, it’s possible that these issues can go deeper, and we will see that further on in Romans 12, but this next section from verses 9b-13 gives us some clear actions on how to “Behave Like a Christian.”

Read the list of actions below, taken from Romans 12, and ask yourself, “Search me, O God, and show me where I need to change.”

• Abhor what is evil – Stay away from evil and that means you treat the evil with disgust.
• Cling to what is good – Hold on tightly to what is good, as we will be tempted to do wrong. Stay with the good, and He will guide your path.
• Kindly affection- Be tender and considerate of how others feel.
• Brotherly love– The love we should have for each other as believers.
• Honor – Putting the other person first.
• Giving preference – Choosing to make room for other people’s thoughts before your own.
• Not lagging in diligence- We are called to work hard.
• Fervent in spirit– Deeply focused, and not being easily distracted away from the things of God.
• Serving the Lord – How we show love to the Lord.
• Patient in tribulation– Persevering and continuing to move forward, especially when things are difficult.
• Continuing steadfastly in prayer– Earnest and intense conviction that prayer will make a difference.
• Distributing to the needs of Christians – Helping believers financially.
• Hospitality- To love strangers, whether someone is in the church or outside of the church.

Love is displayed through actions, not just by feelings.

In Part Two, we will explore how to handle a situation when we have been deeply hurt and struggle with having strong feelings such as dislike or even hate toward another person.

Compiled from a sermon given by Pastor Dan Kowalczyk with editorial help from Kelly Martin. You can listen to the sermon audio here.