Jesus Transforms Lives

March 2, 2023
4 min read

After a lifetime of experiencing abuse – from early childhood and continuing into an abusive marriage – I had an affair and left my husband for a man who was much more dangerous and eventually raped me.

Years after fleeing my abusive partner, I still struggled with constant fear and flashbacks, and eventually had thoughts of suicide almost every day.

I spent many years trying to heal, even while still involved in abusive situations. I tried every secular counselling technique available, which provided temporary improvement and hope about my future. However, an isolating feeling of being trapped by my painful past always returned. I believed I would have to carry it with me forever.

I simultaneously turned to drugs, the occult, and dark magic in an attempt to deal with my anger, guilt, and bitterness. This lifestyle gave me the illusion of power over my life, and the false promise of a deeper healing from my pain.

As I was more and more consumed with the fear and pain of my past, I was drawn closer to the occult doctrine of “love and light,” which I later learned was a clever disguise by the devil. I had demons in my room most nights. I was taken to the spirit world while I slept, and received messages and instructions from them.

My pain remained unresolved, and I grew increasingly depressed.

In an act of unbelievable grace and mercy, Jesus suddenly called to me and saved me 18 months ago. I experienced a peace that I had never thought possible, and I immediately knew I would never return to my previous lifestyle.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life (John 8:12, NKJV).’”

I received the gift of salvation from Jesus, but I still struggled with fear and flashbacks of my past experiences. I was still burdened with constant anger and unforgiveness toward my abusers.

I thought Jesus didn’t want to hear about my emotional problems. The fact that these feelings weren’t gone immediately upon being saved convinced me that I was going to feel them for the rest of my life as a consequence for my sin. So I kept these feelings to myself, fearing that voicing them meant I wasn’t grateful for the changes Jesus had already made in my life.

In an attempt to be of service, I inquired about helping with the Healing Hearts study. I was informed that participation in the study is a prerequisite of being considered to serve. So I agreed to participate, but the upcoming study was full and I had to wait. Two days before the full study was set to begin, a space opened for me!

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23, NKJV).”

Participating in the Hem of His Garment study taught me that Jesus knew of and had counted every tear I’ve shed. He loves me more deeply than anyone could, and was waiting for me to pour out and confess the emotions that I struggled with. He was patiently waiting for me to give the burden of my past to Him and surrender to His biblical path to healing.

The ministry of Healing Hearts helped me to understand why I was still burdened by the anger, unforgiveness, and fear I longed to be rid of. I had been so focused on the wrong that had been done to me that I overlooked how my sins affected not only my relationship with Jesus, but my relationships with others as well. I learned the beauty of true repentance, and was given an understanding of how the Bible teaches us to approach the painful trials in our lives. Forgiveness toward my abusers was made possible through the instruction of the living Word of God.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV).”

Now I know that Jesus is the only One who is able to provide real and lasting healing. He is the only One who can cleanse our deepest hurts, and the only One who knows the true depth of our suffering.

Surrendering all—especially my shame—to the Lordship of Jesus is allowing me to experience a deeper and more intimate relationship with Him, and to experience the peace and joy that only He can bring.

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